Radio talk show host Charles Richardson recommended displays of one's gluteus maximus, also known as "mooning," over physical battery or using weapons as a better means to communicate disdain. "That wasn't a tongue-in-cheek wisecrack. I'd prefer a moon to a gun if someone is displeased with me," Richardson said. "It's rear--I mean rare---that I make wisecracks----once in a blue moon, so to speak."

The mooning radio discussion followed an incident where two men were arrested for mooning each other in the parking lot of a local restaurant. The newspaper story was headlined "Showdown at the BK corral - High Moon in Macon."

A concerned citizens group immediately assembled mooning legislation for the general assembly to buttress existing laws and asked local representatives not to sit on it. Legal scholars questioned the wisdom of the proposed legislation. "There are many potential legal cracks as it's written," said Thaddeus Toosh, a law professor at Mercer University. "They didn't cover the various degrees or phases if you will and it's something that may take many moons to fully assess. Workmen with heavy tool belts frequently display quarter-moons. Should the penalty for a malicious full moon be equal to or greater than that for an unintentional quarter moon? Should penalties be asset forfeitures or fines? And what about those bun-floss swimsuits? Sagging pants are now quite the fashion with young men---we must ascertain when it becomes mooning. There's an astounding array of issues for astute legislators to assimilate," Toosh said.

Concerned citizens were not assuaged . "Mr. Toosh and the legal nay-sayers need to get the lead out, get off their booties and get their rears in gear. Regardless of the ifs ands and buts, we need this legislation behind us," said Seymour Cheek, a group spokesman.

Bubba Sapp, a truck driver for an Evian water distributor told reporters that he overheard people discussing plans to disrupt water supplies in west Bibb County Tuesday. Sapp says that he was delivering bottled water into the storeroom of the Thomaston Road Food Lion when he saw Macon Water Authority Executive Director Gene Holcomb enter the office of the store manager, Fred Roarlouder. As he passed the door, he recognized the manager of the Zebulon Road Kroger also in the office. Sapp went about his water delivery but as he approached the office to get a signature on the delivery paperwork, he overhead plans he could not believe.

"I was amazed to hear Holcomb say that aliens had informed him of a plan to disrupt water supplies as part of their ongoing experiments in human behavior," Sapp said. According to Sapp, Holcomb added that he [Holcomb] planned to bottle plenty of water at home but he also wanted a kickback from the grocery stores that would profit from the unexpected water disruption. "The part that chilled me was when he [Holcomb] said 'Be sure to order extra Evian water. If you don't believe this and take advantage of this opportunity, then spell Evian backwards and that's what you are.' Holcomb appeared to be in a trance as if under remote control," Sapp said.

Investigators have interviewed Sapp and the investigation continues.

A variety of food makers face litigation over their animated characters. Flowers Bakeries, makers of Keebler cookies, caved in to pressure to add a black elf to their collection of elves. Now they face pressure from feminist groups and heterosexual rights groups to add female elves to the group.

The makers of Rice Krispies cereal face similar suits and threats of litigation. The NAACP has long complained that Snap, Krackel and Pop are all white. "There's not a person of color nor a woman in the bunch and that really miffs us," said Queezie Imfuming of the NAACP.

"And what about Tony the Tiger?" said Helen Degenerate, a spokesperson for the National Organization for Women. "I'm talking about the cereal tiger, not Tony Caldwell of Macon. Why don't we have a Toni the Tigress? This is an outrage!" Degenerate said.

"We don't like that leprechaun on the Lucky Charms boxes," said Robert Stiffplank, a spokesman for the Heterosexual Rights League. "He's such a flaming gay boy. Why don't they have a more hetero-looking elf?"

"We're offended by Captain Crunch," said Slim Oxford, a spokesman for the Munchkin Anti-Defamation Corps. "Why do they portray vertically-challenged and metabolically-challenged people as wearing stupid hats? It's just not fair and we don't like it," Oxford said.

Group hopes to register homeless to vote

The Macon Coalition to End Homelessness thinks that homeless people must be encouraged to vote.

That's why the Macon group, and similar groups in six other Georgia cities, has launched voter registration drives for the homeless said Cathy Scoot, administrative coordinator for the Macon coalition.

In order to register, homeless citizens must be very specific about their home address---they must specify exactly which cardboard box and under which bridge they reside.

Bernard D. "Bud" Fletcher, elections supervisor for the Macon-Bibb County Board of Elections, said Macon really needs a group of post office boxes near each bridge so that notices can be sent regarding any election changes. "Forwarding their mail to the next bridge and getting the right cardboard box number might be a problem," Fletcher said.

Macon's homeless are thought to number between 2,000 and 3,000 people a month, Scoot said. "If we can get them voting early and voting often, fairly soon we'll be able to vote in legislation to eliminate homelessness," Scoot said.

Fletcher was not so enthused. "We'll register them to vote, but I'm not going to set up a polling station under the bridge. No way. I'd never be able to staff that location because all my polling workers would want to fish instead of handling the voters," Fletcher said.

About 90 people attended the public meeting to present ideas to the Macon Area Transportation Study (MATS) committees charged with creating a 2025 transportation plan.

Among the ideas presented were the need for more bike lanes and mass transit. Other means of transportation were also discussed.

"I think we should flood the city with water---about a foot deep. That way, we could all get airboats and we wouldn't need any roads," said Bodie LeBogus, a Macon resident.

Abdul Muhammed suggested that the city should invest in camels to pull trollies through Macon. "We wouldn't have so much pollution and camels can take the heat. It would be like Mitsi, only a little slower," Muhammed said.

"I like what they have at the Atlanta airport and I get tired when I walk," said Erma Boonepickle in promotion of her electric sidewalk idea.

"All these ideas have some merit except the bike lanes and sidewalks," said MATS committee member Ernie Avenue. "If we can't agree now on what roads to widen or lanes to change, how the heck are we going to do bike lanes? Caution Macon might buy the camel idea but I'm not so sure about the airboats."

Disclaimer: The accounts, quotes and stories on this page are wholly fictitious and intended as satire and humor. Although real names may be used and all good humor has an element of truth, this stuff ain't real. If you didn't already know these stories were bogus, then you're not too bright. --Steve Scroggins